Running parallel with my previous post and contributing to my mini-break is my penchant for self-deprecating humor. At least it started as humor. It’s only recently that I’ve realized that my self-deprecation has devolved into pure negativity. When you start believing your own put-downs it’s time to reconsider the jokes you make at your own expense.
I make jokes about my weight and while they’re amusing they speak to my underlying dissatisfaction with my own body shape. And because I am fairly quick-witted, it’s easier to joke about my weight than to actually do something about it.
I’ve developed a halitosis problem that I cover up with gum and mints. That is much easier to do than find a dentist who will 1) deep clean my teeth and 2) start to remove the rot that’s developed over the 25 or 30 years since the last time I had dental work done.
I am conservative and Christian which makes me feel like I’m in a distinct minority within my chosen profession (teaching). When those with whom I disagree are so over the top vocally about their beliefs and then do their best to silence people like me it’s difficult to stand up for yourself.
When I tell a teacher that I’ll be subbing for their classes and they seem genuinely pleased my first response is to tell them that they must be hurting for subs rather than simply let it go. It wouldn’t surprise me to discover that my self-deprecating response is also what has led me to being paranoid when I don’t get the calls to sub for a certain teacher or school that I think I should. Instead of self-deprecation it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. I become fearful of being “found out” whatever that means.
My last dating relationship ended for the same reason. I kept waiting to be “found out.” I just knew that I wasn’t good enough to be seeing her. I just knew that I would never be able enough to hold my end of the relationship. So at the first sign of negativity, rather than try to figure out where the problem started and work through it I just knew it was over.
Okay, so, I’ve recognized the problem now I need to do something about it. I’ll need plenty of help to get there but I will, so help me God!