I’m struggling. I’m struggling and I can’t even really explain why or what that means. I think it’s partially because my I’ve been missing my financial goals lately. Not drastically but enough to have to make adjustments I would rather not have made. I’ve been undisciplined.
Also, like I mentioned in a post I decided not to make public back in November, I’ve been listening to too much news again. Some of that garbage makes me so angry and I resolved to myself when I dumped Facebook and most of my other social media that life was too short to go through life being pissed off.
Another reason is that I’m looking too far into the future when I have the chance to retire. I’m still ten years away from doing that but I’ve been dwelling on it at the expense of living each day to the fullest.
Yet another reason is that, despite how much I tell myself I’m doing fine, I’d really love the companionship of a good woman but that’s a psychological horror show. My self-image is completely shattered. Most of the time it goes something like “I’ll never get the girl I want so why bother?” (Tamber, Linda, Monique). It doesn’t help when I find out girls I did like and who turned me down later expressed regrets about having done so (Jaime, Debby) or I completely missed the obvious (Christina, Christy, Celestine.) By the time I finally managed to get the girl I wanted (or at least thought I wanted at the time) my lack of self worth as a mate was so thoroughly ingrained that my thoughts had become “Get what you can out of this and bail before she finds out you aren’t worth shit.” (Melissa)